that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
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Pee pressure > peer pressure
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore