That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
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me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I only eat vegetarians.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.