Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
You Might Also Like
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
road rage
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.