That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
You Might Also Like
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it