That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
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I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
All generalizations are stupid.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.