[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
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These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
prepare for carbonated trouble
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”