That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
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They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so