That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
You Might Also Like
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators