Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
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Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.