I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
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*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
this is 10/10 content no notes
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup