@rickkondell: That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
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@_blotty: Him: you're so beautiful. The moment you smiled at me,u had me Me: that's really sweet Me in my head: I have a piece of my poo in my purse
@DrDogMD: DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker* MOM: what do u say KID: thanks mr dog DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
@DirtMcTurd: If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
@markydoodoo: Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.