My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
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smartest karate player in the world
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
LMAO
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.