Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”