wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
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Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑