That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
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Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself