That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
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Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Twitter is an abusement park.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh