When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
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The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I know a bad idea when I see one.
💻🤡
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
nothing like a slow cooked sausage