That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
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Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”