When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
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When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
what could possibly go wrong?
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.