My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
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Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
My work here is don’t.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise