@brunopieroni: That show "Catfish" should just be called "People Who Have Never Heard of Google."
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@AnitaHelmet: There's a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out. She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
@PaperWash: Find everything OK, sir? Everything except happiness! You won't find that at Wal-Mart! We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
@DanMentos: [first day of work as a 911 operator] "Hello, 911" Hi someone's trying to break into my house "holy shit call 911"
@fart: no dude, if i wash my hands BEFORE going to the bathroom then they won't get my genitals dirty and i won't have to wash my hands after. duh