That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
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If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.