@brunopieroni: That show "Catfish" should just be called "People Who Have Never Heard of Google."
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@iwearaonesie: wife: how is it outside? me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy's trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
@RdrJay47: Me: I'd like to adopt that baby. Clerk: Sir, that's a family sized platter of Super Nachos.
@papasuncle: My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
@SatansTongue: He told me he wants my heart "Sharon I'm pretty sure he's a serial killer" No way! *later on with guy* Wow you're really into bondage huh?