“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
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Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.