That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
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The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.