That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
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Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.