“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
You Might Also Like
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
You can’t rush stupid.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Ken is short for chicken
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.