[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
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Writing, She Murdered.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog