No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
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Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
B
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.