Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
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Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Always…
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Geez man, take it easy.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.