“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Running your mouth is not cardio.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.