@SkinnerSteven: "That's gonna drive me nuts" - peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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@KyleMcDowell86: [old couple feeding ducks in the park] "Nothing could ruin this Edna" *I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!? me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer? toddler [whispers] Because it was wet me: Because it was wet!
@FattMernandez: I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I'm lost in the woods.
@TheTweetOfGod: Traditional marriage was between a boy's parents and a girl's parents. And maybe some cattle.