That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
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Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.