That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]