Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
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Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I’m not stressed
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.