“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
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Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“I wouldn’t.”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.