[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
You Might Also Like
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?