That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
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There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I am crying
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Single and childfree like Jesus
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk