I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
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One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Otters see a butterfly.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Hero horse inspires millions
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
fired
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie