“That’s what” – She
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Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
one last job
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
iPhone X
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.