@tyleroakley: The 11th commandment was, "Talk shit, get hit" but God totally didn't have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
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@Bagyants: All police should quit, just to teach us a lesson. We'll beg them to beat and gas us, but they'll be like nope, you didn't appreciate it
@KeetPotato: wife: we should go before you saying something stupid me: ok wife: [to widow] lovely funeral service me: yeah lets do this again sometime
@NonCombosMentos: *calls hotel front desk* "Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?" No sir, you will be billed for any- "Someone robbed my mini bar"