The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
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Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Social Media and Real life
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
whatcha thinkin bout
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher