The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
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me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?