@BeardSpice: The 1670s called. Not sure how.
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@markleggett: If a soccer player falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it, do they still flail their arms and cry and act like a big dumb baby?
@mommy_cusses: Found out at my Doctor's appointment that the disturbing voices I've been hearing non stop are called children.
@thepunningman: A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
@RegularFred: Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn't a single werewolf left in the world. Werewolf: there isn't. I'm married.