@BeardSpice: The 1670s called. Not sure how.
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@brunopieroni: I'm starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist's office.
@Pappiness: Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a "heartbroken" Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
@TheAlexP: [At bar] *all sweaty after doing the worm* Me: *out of breath* see anything you like? Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
@Kyle_Lippert: The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.