It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
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“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.