The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
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I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”