Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
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Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs