The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
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Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.