If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
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The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing