@moooooog35: The 7-yr old has the flu so I'm letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!
@AaronFullerton: USA: "Hey nachos, today's your big day!" Nachos: "What about Cinco de Mayo?" USA: "What'd you just say?" Nachos: "Nothing."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we'll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
@TheBoydP: Me: Show me a pan that didn't get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak.. Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!