The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
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Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.