[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
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Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
My birthstone is a marshmallow
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.