The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
You Might Also Like
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?