The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
You Might Also Like
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I don’t get marriage
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’