The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
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So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT: