The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
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2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Perfect
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
my dad when a sex scene comes on