The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
You Might Also Like
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat